This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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