Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Text me some of your sweat
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