I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
