Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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