That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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