Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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