I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
