trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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