I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
