you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
