Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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