Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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