Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
