life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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