I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
