My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
worst night to have a conscience
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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