I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
