sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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