I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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