Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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