Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
