i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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