a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
