He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
