I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
