he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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