mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
