I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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