I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
