just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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