No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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