This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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