I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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