I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
