I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
