I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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