If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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