If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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