bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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