I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
