I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
