i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Welp...herpes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
