My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
