haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
