dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
you never un-have a 4some
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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