Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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