I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
