me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
