I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
