piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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